Searching For Onederland....

Have you seen that ecard floating around the internet saying "I wish I was as skinny as I was when I first thought I was fat"? It really hits home for me. 

I remember the first time that I felt fat, I was around 11 maybe. My mom was on her newest fad diet (weigh watchers I think), and she made me get on the scale. I don't remember the number but she said that I was too heavy, and made me walk with her. I remember crying the whole time, feeling ashamed and like a bad person. It was the first time that I remember thinking if only I was thinner my mom wouldn't be mad, and she wouldn't be dragging me around on this walk.

I don't want you think that my mom is a bad person, she isn't it's how she was raised. It wasn't my Nanny who made weight comments it was my Poppy. He still does. But my mom does seem to value peoples weight; maybe it's because she's never hit her "ideal" weight I'm not sure. All I know is when she meets someone new she'll say "Oh, you aren't as heavy as.... or Oh, I would have thought that she would have been thinner." I'm honestly not sure if she even realizes that she does it.

BUT that's not the point. The point is that I am FAT, HEAVY, OVERWEIGHT, whatever you want to call it and I want to change that. I am searching for Onederland! I wanna do all those things that I've never be able to do. 

Right now I'm on maternity leave from work, I had my third little boy (will call him C3) on Dec 21st, 2014. The one thing that I love about being pregnant is that I am some crazy type of person who loses weight. When I got pregnant with C3, I was 227lbs, when I got home from the hospital I was 203lbs. Right not I'm sitting at 217.8lbs. I don't wanna do what I always do, I don't want to gain more weight. So here I am. Jumping off and searching for Onederland.

I'm going to stop for now. Tomorrow, I'll update with a little more about moi!